I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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