i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
