I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I supernannyed him into submission
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
