I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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