How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
