Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My liver just had a heart attack.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
