A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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