my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
