The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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