If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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