eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
