oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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