The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
