Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
