Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
