me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
