the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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