Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
