..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
