i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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