Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
