I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
