Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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