i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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