New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
