4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
