My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
i need some magic done to my vagina
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
