Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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