Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
