oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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