I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
