Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
