he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
