My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
