Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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