I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
