Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
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