We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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