i was born a porn star she said
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize
