I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
