do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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