I just pynch a tree in the face
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
