i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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