also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
