Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I want a musical about memes.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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