You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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