guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
