What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
