im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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