Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I checked into jail on foursquare
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
